丽雪

Day: 19
Weight: 125.2

Days Left: 1
Weight to Lose: 5 lbs

So I have one day left to lose 5 pounds. It's obv not going to happen, but I've still decided to fast today, just to see how close to my goal I can actually get. I haven't eaten since 8 last night, and I'm not going to eat until 8 tomorrow morning. 36 hours without food should drop a pound or two. We'll find out, won't we. :)

Day: 18
Weight: 127

Days Left: 2
Weight to Lose: 7 lbs

Okay so last night I ate chinese takeout, and although I controlled myself, I still gained 2 pounds. I ate toooo much salt mixed with diet coke. My order was spicy squid and stir fried mixed vegetables. So not really that horrible for you. I let Andy finish 1/3 of my squid, and gave him all the broccoli and celery out of my mix veg, which amounted to about 1/2 the dish. In return for all that though, I ate about a half cup of his rice. For dessert I had a craving for something sweet, so I sucked on some leftover hard candies from Christmas. I think it helped me not have a crazy binge.

All in all yesterday when I added it up on TDP, I ate about 950 cals. Which is too much, no matter how you look at it. Especially since I didnt go to the gym yesterday.

To make up for it, I've only eaten a half cup of Cheerios today, and a sweet potato. Which is not more than 200 cals. I've also gone to the gym first thing this morning and did 60 minutes of cardio instead of 40. Hopefully my body will be at peace again tomorrow.... :D

Day: 17
Weight: 125

Days Left: 3
Weight to Lose: 5 lbs

I've been losing weight really fast since I quit the bakery. Nice to see the number going down. Yesterday I ate about 600 - 700 cals, and worked off about 300 at the gym. So my net cals was around 350ish.

My birthday is soooooon!

Also, I've been thinking more about going back to school. I really want to start my plan from way back when I was in high school, of going to university for architecture. I had a really mean math teacher who made me feel like ass about myself and I just gave up that idea and went to bird school for art instead. I don't want to be a waitress forever. I want to be responsible, and have a good job, and make enough money to support myself, and support my family, and not have the rest of my family look down on me. I want school.

Day: 16
Weight: 126.4

Days Left: 4
Weight to Lose: 6 lbs

I lost a pound and a half since yesterday just from not working at the bakery. Today all I've eaten is another one of my tuna hotdogs. Like, canned tuna with some light mayo, put in a piece of whole wheat bread, wrapped over like a hotdog. haha Tasty and very low cal.

I also went to the gym again and did my 40 minutes of cardio. Things are looking up.

Day: 15
Weight: 128

Days Left: 5
Weight to Lose: 8 lbs

So this doesn't look good. The weight I lost from fasting did not stay off.
But there is hope. And this is a big one.

Yesterday was my last day at the bakery!!
So now I won't be eating any shit food, as no shit food is going to come anywhere near me.

So far today for breakfast I had some multigrain cheerios, and half a piece of whole wheat toast with margarine.
For lunch I had a piece of whole wheat bread with half a can of tuna on it.

For supper I'm having another piece of whole wheat bread, and the other half of the can of tuna.
My calorie total for today will be 508. :)

I also started going to the gym again, now that I'm not working first thing in the AM. I went yesterday and today, and did 40 minutes each time, split in half between the bike and elliptical.

Day: 10
Weight: 125.2

Days Left: 10
Weight to Lose: 6 lbs

Yesterday I woke up and weighed 127.8. I decided enough was enough, and to fast for 24 hours. So here I am the next day, at 125.2. I have 4 more days of work left at the bakery, so my last 6 days are when I'm really hoping to see results.

Anyway, I'm proud that in the last 24 hours, my calorie intake was zero. Zip. Nada.

How is everyone else doing?

Day: 4
Weight: 128.8

So here's day 2 of my countdown til my birthday.

Day: 2
Weight: 126.6 lbs

Days Left: 18
Weight to Lose: 7 lbs

That means I have to lose 1 pound about every 2 and a half days. Think I can do it? I dunno. It's always easy at first, but then when all the water weight is gone after the first week, it always gets a little tougher. We'll have to see.

I brought home some lemon cake for Andy yesterday and he left it sitting out on the table. There are 4 mini loaves of it. I started to eat it and when I was going for another piece, I decided to avoid a binge. I put them (and the other junk food in my house) inside a tied plastic bag, inside another tied plastic bag, inside another, and threw them in the freezer. Nice save, right?

I'm going to be 22 years old soon. March 6th, to be exact. And I'm going to give myself the birthday present of being thin for my birthday.

I have 20 days to lose the weight. I'm going to weigh under 120 pounds by my birthday.
119 pounds will be my goal. Hell, 119.5 will do.

Not sure how much I weigh today, and I've already eaten so I won't bother checking. Let's say between 8 and 10 pounds need to be lost in 20 days. Think I can do it?

Cheer me on, ladies. I need you! Make it your birthday present to me. :)

I can't wait until the weekend so I can weigh myself again and see my actual weight. During the work week, I have to get up so early, that I haven't gotten rid of my water weight from the previous day yet. I like when I wake up in the morning on a Sunday or Monday (my weekend) and see a number that's a few pounds lighter.

How's everyone?

My eye is almost better now, but I'm feeling a bit dizzy and nauseated from medication wearing off, and the drops they put in my eyes to dilate my pupils. My eyes don't sting and burn anymore though.

Yesterday I controlled myself, with the exception of sharing some peanut MnM's with Andy at the movies. I still managed to lose 2 pounds since my last entry, 2 days ago. I hope I don't fuck it up.

How are you ladies doing?

CW: 126.8

Yesterday, everything was going fine. Until I somehow cut my eyeball right across the lens. I have no idea what happened, all I know was that I was in a lot of pain, spent 7 hours at the ER, and am now on percoset. Woo, good times, good times.

When I woke up this morning I weighed the same as yesterday, even though yesterday all I ate was spring rolls for breakfast/lunch, and some singapore vermicelli for supper at the restaurant. Today, I have not eaten anything. It's 3:30 pm. I still weigh the same. Actually I weigh half a pound more. 129.8. What's going on? I'll just keep telling myself that I'll see the results tomorrow. Okay, so let's hurry up and bring on tomorrow, then.

After a long debated, annoying time, I finally got my chance to work at Andy's restaurant. First, he asked his boss whether he'd mind having his girlfriend waitress there. His boss asked if I had been a waitress before, and whether I could speak english well. Both answers were yes. He said that Andy could bring me in for an interview and a trial sometime. Then, his boss's partner told him 2 days later when he asked about when he should bring me in, that they were actually full and the guy who was leaving wasn't going to leave anymore, and so they didn't need me.

Then, being the forward person I am, I walked in one night after seeing the "Waitress Wanted" sign still in the window, and asked to talk to boss #1. I asked him what was going on, and highlighted the fact that boss #2 said they didn't need help anymore. I could tell I'd made him uncomfortable, which was my point exactly. He said the actual problem was that Andy and I were together. I (tactfully) debated this with him and he said he's talk to his partner about it and let Andy know by the end of the week. The next day, I get a text message from Andy saying, "The answer is no. :(  ". I figured as much, if they couldn't tell me to my face. Finally, on Saturday, a girl said she couldn't work on Saturday's anymore, and I guess noone else had applied, because Andy texted me and told me they had decided to give me a chance. So basically, they're hiring me out of desparity, but either way, they're hiring me. Hopefully, not just for one week.

I guess we'll see.

PS. I just weighed myself and have now miraculously lost a pound over the point of writing this. 128.6.  So fucking weird. But who cares. Score.

CW: 128.6

I had a job at a bakery since August, which you might not have noticed, happens to be the same time I stopped writing.  At first, my signs of anxiety and depression seemed to go away and I was eating well.

After a period of time, the job got more and more stressful, due to so much responsibility, and long days with barely a break. I started emotionally eating - something that's obviously dangerous for a weight-obsessed girl working in a bakery.

Now, it's February and I've decided that I can no longer keep up this job and be happy with myself. To be fair, half of the reason I'm leaving is because my boss is a micro-managing, passive aggressive, immature little control freak. But the other half is because I'm so unhappy with what I've done to my body since I started work there, only half a year ago. Clothes that were baggy, now squeeze the meat of my body up and over. It's a dizzying feeling to look at myself in the mirror and I feel as though I've lost all control.

I do not plan to totally starve myself and take every moment in my day to measure the diameter of an apple and calculate the calories in the sliver of it that I do consume. I just happen to diet and exercise at greater lengths than most people are willing to put their efforts into. I do not have an eating disorder, although I do have very disordered eating.

CW: 129.2

So, it appears that I've returned. Again.

I won't bother to go into details about where I've been or what's went on during that time. No one will read it, nor will they care. I will tell you that I need to get back into my old ways, and also better myself from how I was even at that point. I've never had real discipline. I've never had total control.

Here is my journal, and this is me, gaining control.